This blog post is in no means informative or perhaps even interesting but I needed somewhere to put how I feel into words. I have lot of questions without answers running through my head all day long and this one is about emotion.
Everyone feels and experiences emotion, whether it’s positive or negative. But there’s a difference between feeling it and dealing with it. Emotion is a scary and dangerous thing when you don’t know what to do with it. So scary that you sit in bed crying all night because the day wasn’t perfect, when the reality is that it was just one day and tomorrow is a fresh new opportunity. That’s what I try to tell myself anyway. But the truth is, my reality is not fresh or new or happy.
Everyday I wake up with motivation to do something productive with my day. I guess like the average person does. Then after an hour or so of being awake, my mind has had enough of positivity and repels it. All I want to do is go back to bed to the place where I’m relaxed and dreaming and not having to deal with the shit that life throws at me. When I say “shit that life throws at me”, I mean I seem to experience disappointment after disappointment. No matter on what scale I am let down, whether it be a friend cancelling plans or I have not completed the over-estimated amounts of work I planned to get done, I am then emotional. I can guarantee that these examples are common for everyone but for some reason, I find this information extremely difficult to process.
In short, I cannot handle any emotion that is not positive. Of course, no one likes to feel negative emotion but it baffles me how people can continue their lives almost as if it never bothered them. How can people say “I’m fine” without flinching? How can students like me sit and do their work without crying? Bad emotions always, without fail, spiral out of proportion until my brain cannot handle it and before I know it I’m tearfully making my way back to bed. It’s a horrible cycle that I’m not cut out for but must push through anyway. As of yet I have found no solution to this problem and as of yet this is how the majority of my days go. But I want people to know that I’m not overreacting (on purpose anyway) and I don’t want to feel this way, but at the moment I don’t know what I can do and I’m sorry.