Emotions

This blog post is in no means informative or perhaps even interesting but I needed somewhere to put how I feel into words. I have lot of questions without answers running through my head all day long and this one is about emotion.

Everyone feels and experiences emotion, whether it’s positive or negative. But there’s a difference between feeling it and dealing with it. Emotion is a scary and dangerous thing when you don’t know what to do with it. So scary that you sit in bed crying all night because the day wasn’t perfect, when the reality is that it was just one day and tomorrow is a fresh new opportunity. That’s what I try to tell myself anyway. But the truth is, my reality is not fresh or new or happy.

Everyday I wake up with motivation to do something productive with my day. I guess like the average person does. Then after an hour or so of being awake, my mind has had enough of positivity and repels it. All I want to do is go back to bed to the place where I’m relaxed and dreaming and not having to deal with the shit that life throws at me. When I say “shit that life throws at me”, I mean I seem to experience disappointment after disappointment. No matter on what scale I am let down, whether it be a friend cancelling plans or I have not completed the over-estimated amounts of work I planned to get done, I am then emotional. I can guarantee that these examples are common for everyone but for some reason, I find this information extremely difficult to process.

In short, I cannot handle any emotion that is not positive. Of course, no one likes to feel negative emotion but it baffles me how people can continue their lives almost as if it never bothered them. How can people say “I’m fine” without flinching? How can students like me sit and do their work without crying? Bad emotions always, without fail, spiral out of proportion until my brain cannot handle it and before I know it I’m tearfully making my way back to bed. It’s a horrible cycle that I’m not cut out for but must push through anyway. As of yet I have found no solution to this problem and as of yet this is how the majority of my days go. But I want people to know that I’m not overreacting (on purpose anyway) and I don’t want to feel this way, but at the moment I don’t know what I can do and I’m sorry.

xo

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Too Much Of A Good Thing

Going to university has the word ‘stressful’ written all over it, from that first click on the UCAS website, to the moment you throw your graduation hat in the air. It’s inevitable. However, that doesn’t put people off because uni is a lot more than just stress. Friendships, knowledge, relationships, independence, studying what you love, a degree! In the year and 7 months that I’ve been at university I have certainly collected a load of stories and memories along the lines of these factors. Some good, some bad and quite frankly some just a bit…meh. But when I began writing my personal statement 2 years ago, I never thought I would be telling you that today I lost my passion for music.

I’ve always been musical. I started learning how to play the flute at age 7, piano at age 10, drums at age 12, saxophone at age 14 and I’ve always been a singer. My spare time outside of school was rammed with musical activity, whether it be choir rehearsals, orchestra rehearsals, writing songs, etc. I had weekly instrumental lessons and was always working towards a grade exam. By the age of 16 I had reached grade 8 flute and music theory and grade 6 in piano, drums, saxophone and singing. This certainly helped my application to the music degree I’m now enrolled on. All throughout my childhood, music was my number 1. I wasn’t very good at any other subject at school and knew for a very long time that I wanted to study music at university. I left school at age 16 to study a music BTEC at college instead of A levels. Then September 2016 came, all my passion and hard work paid off and I started studying music at the University of Nottingham (my first choice).

I’ve always known that too much of anything isn’t good but I always put that out of my mind because of how much I enjoyed music. I thought I would never get bored. I was very wrong. It is now obvious to me how damaging it can be to combine your strongest passion with the inevitable stress of university. Of course this will not be the case for everyone but it certainly has been for me.

So I’m almost at the end of my second year, which has been a very bumpy year to say the least, and I now feel like I’ve hit an indestructible brick wall. The stress has gradually become numb and there’s nothing I want to do more than drop out of uni. Of course I’m going to stay and power through the final year now that I’ve come this far but it has definitely got me down. I’m not saying that I regret everything about university because I don’t. If it wasn’t for coming to this specific uni, I would never have met my wonderful friends who have kept me going through the whole process. My interest in animal rights would never have developed into the passion it is today and as the new Vice President of Animal Rights Society, I’m grateful I now have other passions that I can continue to act on and possibly pursue as a career.

Despite the hard feeling that comes with losing a passion, I’ve learned that life is a journey and everyone gains and drops interests along the way. There is no saying what will happen next and things can change suddenly.

Too much of anything isn’t good for anyone.

xo